Two hearts in 3/4 time.

By: Peemil.

BIRMINGHAM: Mr and Mrs Horne were absolutely terrified when they discovered their three year old son drinking nail polish remover.

However, instead of the usual convulsions and vomiting associated with drinking acetone, the child grew ten foot instantaneously and developed super powers.

"I'd be fucked, is what I said," Mr Horne commented. "The little tyke just shook it off and turned into some kind of super human. That's my lad."

His superpowers include being able to shoot lightning from his arse, the ability to breathe fire and super intelligence.

"Just overnight he went from a three year old playing with pots and pans under the kitchen sink, to telling me how I can save more on our mortgage while simultaneously firing lightning at the Postman," said Mrs Horne. "I tell you- It is quite an adjustment for us to be making."

But for Master Horne, he has continued to take it all in his stride. "At least now, with my super intelligence I don't need to go to University, therefore saving my parents thousands of pounds," he said.

Master Horne has also outlined his plan for world domination, which his parents are eagerly supporting. "He's said to me that he is going to overthrow every government around the globe. He is impervious to bullets and shells, so I really don't see how anyone can stop him," said Mr Horne. "I'm very excited by it all really. He's promised us cushy jobs, and to be honest, anything is better than working in the Meatworks, which is where I work now."

President Bush has reacted slowly, and grudgingly abandoned another vacation to address the "Horne Issue" as it has become to be known. "I stand here in defence of liberty. If this little ten foot upstart thinks he can overthrow America, then I say, 'Bring it on,'" the President said.

"I'm worried for my little boy," Mrs Horne stated. "Going up against the world with only lightning from your arse, and breathing fire is a pretty big ask, but I'm sure our lad can do it."

Geriatric to get sex change.

By: Peemil.

AMSTERDAM: An 89 year old woman is making history today as she becomes the first senior to have a sex change operation.

"I really want this. I don't want to go to my grave as a woman. My entire life I've spent wondering what it would be like to be a man," Mrs Uder said of the impending operation. "All my life, even with my husband of 50 years, I wondered what it would be like to be the one on top fucking me. I'm tired of being penetrated. I want to be the penetrator."

But in this supposedly liberal city, many residents have stopped to shake their heads. "I don't understand it," said Franz van Dyke. "What does any old lady want to have a sex change operation for? It's not like she is going to live much longer. Why not go to your grave with everything intact?"

But the Doctor performing the operation has defended his decision to go through with the operation. "There is no reason why this old lady cannot succeed in her dying wish. Age is no impedement to a successful operation. All it means for me is that I have some saggy boobs and an old fanny to reconstruct."

Mrs Uder's children and grandchildren have reacted with shock to their Grandmother's decision. "What the fuck am I supposed to call her now?" said Mrs Van Horn. "All my life I've called her 'Mother' and now I'm supposed to turn around and call her 'Dad.' Honestly, I think she is off her rocker."

But Mrs Uder has defied any calls from her children to stop the operation. "They're not the ones who have spent every waking hour wondering what it is like to jerk off, or what it feels like to put my manhood between some sluts tits. I'll tell you this much, when the operation is complete and the piece is working, there won't be a hooker in Amsterdam who won't be fondling my meat. I'm shaking with anticipation waiting for it."