An Odeish to my Balls.
I am so tired of my testicles bleeding for no apparent reason.
It always seems to happen while I am in the shower, which leads to much blood being everywhere and yet another soiled towel.
Before you think that I am brutalising myself to extremes in there, I can tell you that you are wrong. Even I am not that sick as to keep wanking while bleeding profusely from my balls.
Although, I once ate a Canadian girl out who was on her period, but that was because we'd just been chased by a Thai guy with a shotgun and I was hungry.
I am not going to bother going to a Doctor, because they are quacks and don't know what they are talking about most of the time. Instead, I will diagnosis and treat myself.
My theory is that I am the reincarnate of Saint Bella of Alazikie, who is both a little known saint and was quite the lady killer. According to legend, he traveled most of early Christendom spreading the good word and chasing tail.
That was until he set eyes upon the Roman Emperor's wife, who quickly succumbed to his busy hands and quick tongue.
The Emperor was furious when informed of his wife's philandering and subsequently Saint Bella was arrested and crucified by the balls.
This theory therefore confirms that my current problem is a stigmata, and also that I am closer to God than any of you punks.
H. and I have been playing telephone ping pong all day. It is about to rain soon, so I hope she turns up and we'll get stoned and she can rub my head, which is what she likes to do - because unlike you mob, at least she talks to me and doesn't think I'm some kind of whacko for talking about my balls.
Above: Saint Bella of Alazikie