Dr Pepper causes impotence, poor sexual performance and a host of other nasty diseases.

By: Igor the Donkey- Editor in Chief.

When Jeff woke up with pustules on his balls, he was apt to blame the string of twenty dollar prostitutes he had slept with in the past month.

"As someone whose balls were oozing a green and noxious puss is want to do- I went and saw my local doctor to get some antibiotics," Jeff said.

"When the doctor examined them, he informed me that it wasn't some nasty disease that I'd picked up off a crack whore- But something completely unrelated."

Jeff is a Dr Pepper drinker. His doctor informed him that his condition was a direct result of his addiction to it.

"The doctor told me that it was that 'foul swine excrement' that was causing my problems," Jeff continued.

Unable to stop drinking the "Pepper," Jeff's balls shriveled up recently and fell off.

Recent studies by the Institute of Medical Researchers, have shown that Dr Pepper is both damaging to your health, and more addictive than heroin.

"This stuff is awful," Dr Haydn of the Institute stated. "We've had studies that show it causes some disgusting skin diseases- With one subject's face melting off slowly over time. Diseases of the liver, kidney, pancreas, stomach, lung, lower bowel, throat, tongue and mouth can all be blamed directly on the use of Dr Pepper."

"It is also highly addictive- And herein lies the problem. Subjects in our studies have often shown a complete disregard for their physical health, and have continued to drink it."

"Even pregnant mothers, who know the effects it'll have on their unborn child still continue to swill it. We had one woman give birth to a three headed, one armed freak, and this was a direct result of her consumption of Dr Pepper."

Living alone and shunned by society, is not how Tania thought her life would end.

As she sat across from me, a can of Dr Pepper in her hand, the light from the window exposing her ever melting face, she lamented her addiction- And her affliction.

"I just can't stop drinking the stuff. I look in the mirror and I see a monster," Tania said.

A promising student and member of the school cheerleading squad, Tania got hooked on the "Pepper" after cheering a football game.

"I was tired and thirsty, and I thought I'd give Dr Pepper a go. I'd tried it before, but this was different. Within months I was hooked. Some days I'd drink fifty cans of it. If only I'd known what the results of my addiction were, I may have re-considered things."

On every street in America, there is a home of the afflicted. This is the problem Dr Haydn faces when trying to get the message out.

"The public perception of this drink, is that it's hip, safe for consumption and quite the tonic. But people aren't getting the right information. There are people across this nation who are either too sick, or too deformed because of Dr Pepper, and therefore, too shy to leave their homes. Hence, the problem goes unnoticed."


Above: A Dr Pepper drinker.