With everything in order he swallowed
the green pill.

By: Peemil.

THE EARTH- 2439AD: With peace finally declared on this small planet, most of its inhabitants have sat down and started playing with themselves.

"It is strange behaviour," said Dr Orka who is a member of the Confederated Universal Anthropologists, a research group consisting of Anthropologists drawn from around the Galaxy.

"We've never seen this type of behaviour before," he continued. "Usually when a planet finds peace, the inhabitants go on to great and wonderful things, like interplanetary space travel, curing all disease and communicating with all species around the Galaxy. But this group of humanoids just sat down and started masturbating. It is quite strange."

A group of Anthropologists recently toured the planet in disguise and asked its inhabitants about their behaviour.

"We asked one gentleman playing with himself in a public place, usually considered disagreeable on this planet, why he was engaging in his mastabatory activities? He replied simply that there really wasn't a point to doing anything anymore. His drive to get ahead, to get above the next person had just disappeared. So he figured he might as well just sit down and have "a wank" as he so eloquently put it," Dr Orka said.

Although many theories explaining the behaviour have been postulated, the most commonly accepted one is that on this planet, the life forms have become so accustomed to fighting throughout their daily lives and with each other on a global scale, that without that urge to kill, maim or hurt each other physically or emotionally, there is no point to anything anymore.

"I used to work in a bank. I always wanted to become the Manager," said Mrs South, an inhabitant of Earth. "To do that I had to fight everyday. Now- There's no point. There's peace and I can't see the point in doing anything at all. So I just sat down and start doing myself. I've been here for days now, and I can't imagine I'm going to stop."

The Universal High Council, entrusted with the care of emerging civilisations has proffered some theories about the future of this strange masturbating planet. "We thought about going down there and announcing ourselves to them. You know- Give them something to strive for. But that is against the Council's constitution," said High Leader Degan. "Then we thought about dropping 'You've got peace now- Here's what you do with it' leafets, but we felt that would insult their intelligence. Now the agreement is that we are going to launch a few missiles at their major continents. It might bring an end to the peace, but it'll save them in the long run."

As Dr Orka stepped over mounds of used tissues and walked passed women playing with themselves in public fountains, he expressed dismay at the possibility of attacking this small planet. "It is a sad day. They've fought for so long. In universal terms, it took them a really long time to figure out that killing each other is a stupid thing to be doing. Most emerging civilisations figure that out after their first war, usually around two hundred years in."

"But these guys have fought countless wars, murdered each other for thousands of years and have had four World Wars- Each supposed to be the last. Now they've figured it out and all they want to do is sit down and enjoy themselves for a while. I say, 'Let's leave them for a while and come back in a few thousand years when they've figured peace out.'"

But the Council is determined. "The attack will begin at dawn tomorrow. This Council has agreed that this type of behaviour is completely unacceptable. We'd rather have an Earth throwing bombs at each other, than have to observe these twisted fucks stroke themselves constantly."